A letter to my first baby

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me that a pacifier from the floor is not poisonous, that it does not matter if snack is an organic puff or cheerios, that skipping a nap will not ruin our day, that those expert baby books are not written about you and me; we had to figure us out together. Thank you for reminding how much fun it is to dance around on couch cushions, to feel the breeze on the swing, to drop everything and sing Let It Go in the middle of dishes; for reminding me how much more important building a castle of legos is than folding a pile of laundry.

Thank you for learning with me, for smiling at me as I clenched my teeth in frustration when you wouldn’t nap, for reaching up to touch my cheek at 3:00 in the morning when I didn’t think I could do it another night. Thank you for trying all those homemade baby foods and bearing with me as I learned I was not a cloth diaper kind of momma. Thank you for understanding when I ashamedly had to stop nursing. When you took your first bottle, I remember smiling through tears thinking, “Hey, maybe quitting doesn’t make me a bad mommy”. Thank you for that moment.

Thank you for making me a mommy and teaching me what it means to be one. I learned that perfection is unattainable, but perfect love is not; that my weaknesses and struggles, my mommy guilt and fear are all driven out by a perfect love. That each time I have felt inadequate or unsure, from the moment that I brought you home, perfect love has been there to remind me that He is waiting to replace my anxieties with peace. Oh sweet first baby, I know now that a good momma is not one that nurses successfully, or schedules perfectly, or sanitizes everything. A good momma is one that can teach you where that perfect love comes from, and uses each hard mommy moment to rely on the one that is love, that gave his life to show love.

Thank you sweet one.

"Perfect love drives out fear." 1 John 4:18

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