To the momma running on sleepless nights

3 reasons why I’m grateful for that long, tired year

First of all, let’s be honest, this last year was brutal and I can think of 10 reasons instantly why I hated losing so much sleep. But truthfully, I have learned so much, and I hope my experiences can encourage you too.

3. I stopped hating the middle of the night moments, and started to treasure them (most of the time)

After baby-refuses-to-sleep passed all the milestones that I was clinging to, hoping that “yes, at 6 months he will surely sleep. Okay, it’s got to be that 8 month mark,” I gave up hope that each night I just might get a full night’s rest. Tonight my baby will wake me up. Tonight I will have to go in and rock him (don’t judge me, we did cry it out, sit in the room, noise machine, you name it…). Tonight instead of marching to his room fuming, I will pick up my little love and he will snuggle his tiny nose into my neck and start to tickle my hair. And tonight I will try to remember how his soft breath felt and how his fuzzy hairs smelt, because these are treasures that I will miss someday. Relinquishing the fact that my baby wasn’t purposefully stealing my sleep but rather just needing his mommy changed my attitude.

2. I stopped relying on physical rest, and I started relying on soul rest.

As I rocked said no-sleep baby every night, I would pray fervently that God would give me that rest he talks about in Matthew, “Come to me you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” “Where is my rest God? You promised it, now I’m really needing you to deliver! Help a weary momma!” And he did just that. He didn’t give me what I wanted though; he gave me what I needed: soul rest. When I’d wake up incomprehensibly groggy and worn out, I would often feel at peace. I wasn’t sure how I was going to make breakfast without falling asleep in the cereal, but I was not worried about it. I started to see the rest that he is referring to in this verse. It’s deep soul rest and peace, and it can only exist from the source of true peace. I should have woken up with dark bags under my eyes and worries in my heart about how I was going to do this mom thing today, but peace began to pour through my tired breaths when my alarm rang each morning.

1. I stopped needing sleep, and I started needing Jesus.

Sleep has always been important to me. I was the college student who was asleep by ten and still gets giddy at the idea of a nap. I always thought a full eight hours is required to be alert, attentive, patient, and kind, and that you could get rid of all your crabbies if you just slept more. As the weeks of little sleep turned into months and more months, I began to panic. “How could I possibly be an effective teacher, loving mom, efficient housekeeper and attentive wife without my eight hours!?”

Jesus. When I stopped trying to function out of my empty energy tank and muster abilities myself and started relying on Jesus’s perfect and unending source to fill me, I let my weaknesses become his strength. I let my deficiencies and complete depletion of energy be the vacant vessel to carry the kind of patience, energy, and kindness only HE can provide. The kind that exists when you’re overwhelmed with housework, the kind that overflows even when your kids won’t eat what you prepared and are screaming, that fills your heart when life is impossible to do on your own.

I’m finally getting enough sleep now, but I know there are empty days ahead whether from exhaustion or frustration, from insecurity, doubt, or guilt. We all have days when digging through our own abilities leaves us empty handed; that’s when we lift those empty hands to a God who is overflowing, when we surrender our weaknesses and exchange them for the truth and promise that he will be faithful to provide fullness of life and strength.

Thank you sweet baby for those sleepless nights, and while my back is still recovering from the hours of sleeping on your floor, my heart has been renewed, refreshed, and revitalized while resting in your perfect strength.

John 10:10 I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full.

2 Corinthians 12:10 For when I’m weak, then I am strong.